I think everyone at one time or another in their life questions self worth. We get discouraged and let down and wonder why anyone would care to give us the time of day. These feelings are hard and they hurt, I know because I've dealt with them a lot. I have to continuously keep reminding myself that there is one person out there at least who thinks the world of me. I wish I could see him as an actual person, because it feels so hard sometimes trusting someone I can't see, but then if that was the case, what would be the meaning of faith? I know that Jesus Christ sees me for who I am; he looks past all my blemishes and dirt and treats me like a princess. Every time you are struggling, remember to see your worth through God's eyes, not the worlds. Jeremiah 29:11 puts it well.
11"For I know the plans
I have for YOU,”declares
the Lord, “plans to prosper
YOU and not to harm YOU,
plans to give YOU hope
and a future."
Sunday, June 2, 2013
I don't mean to sound selfish, and I don't mean to feel so sad, but what am I supposed to do? I keep it all in: my fears, jealousy, pain, loneliness. Where does the list end? I am so sick of wearing a smile so fake and just wishing I had one person who knew me well enough to see through it, or could tell the pain that I feel stinging like a whip on my face. I feel unworthy. Why should I forgive? I didn't ask for this pain. I didn't ask for this rejection. Is this world today only filled with evil people that don’t care about other people’s feelings? Friends that one minute say they’re there for you and the next not? Or how about being trustworthy? What happened to that? What happened to “you can tell me anything, I can keep a secret” that it now means the opposite. Or how about the word promise? A word that should rarely be broken is taken so lightly and the real meaning is forgotten. Day after day this world spews out its venom and I’m standing on the edge of a cliff as an army of people rush toward me. I am almost deceived by their appearance: kind eyes and sweet smiles until I realize they are just a mask and they are all coming to push me off. I don’t know how much longer I can fight them. They are so strong and overpowering. I cry out for someone to hear me but no one comes to my rescue. In that moment I feel so alone, so afraid, realizing that I have no one, no one to stand by, no one who will fight for me. The words “fat” “unwanted” “not good enough” “unloved” ring in my ears and no matter how hard I try to push them away they keep coming back until I start to believe them. In that moment all the situations, laughs, screams, gossip, lies, failures, silence and looks flood my mind making every bone in my body ache. Because not only is the army weighing me done, they are winning, they don’t realize it but they are slowly killing me. I will be dead soon, this I know, so I ask myself the question whether I should step two feet back off the edge of the cliff and just end it. It sure sounds a lot better than taking the punches and blows that are bruising my body leaving scars that will never be healed. I turn and jump and that’s it.
As I leap a hand catches my shirt and pulls me back up. I turn and look into the kindest eyes I have ever seen. I hear the chants in the background and turn away because I’m afraid. Only am not afraid of the army. I’m afraid of this man. Those kind eyes, they couldn’t possibly be genuine. Every person in that army represents one of my “friends”, each of them a fake, why should he be any different? I turn away because I can’t let myself go again. He tells me I can trust him. How can I trust this man who I have never seen before in my life when I can’t even trust those I know? His eyes look sad. I tell him his tricks won’t work on me. Then he turns to the army, I think to myself that he’s walking away. He’s turning to leave me just like every other person in my life. Just when I am about to turn back to the edge, I watch him drive his fist into the ground and with a single breath blow back the entire army so far that all I can do is gape like a fool. I ask if I can have your powers, which seemed to solve my biggest problem at the moment. All you can do is laugh—which makes me mad because I think you’re laughing at me, that I’m just asking another stupid question. Then you tell me I already have them. I look at you with probably the best face I’ve ever made; it was confused, are you serious?, and surprised emotions all mixed into one. I must have looked pretty goofy. Anyway, you hand me this book and tell me it would be my guide to unlocking your so called powers and solving the rest of my problems. I wasn’t too thrilled being I’m not a fan of reading. If I wasn’t so darn confused I would have politely given it back and asked for it in a movie instead. But I accepted it anyway. The next thing I know your giving me a hug. I love hugs, don’t get me wrong, but hugs from someone who I just met like five minutes ago, someone whose name I don’t even know is a little creepy. For some reason though, I don’t let go. I feel safe. I feel like maybe I should give this friend thing one more chance, after all, he did just save my life. But oh trust me, I made a promise (note a word that should not be broken) to myself that if he did one thing to let me down, back to that cliff I would go. Next I don’t know if what I said was just out of pure bravery, having a mental breakdown, or because this was a stranger I thought I would never see again. But I spilled my story. Everything. I didn’t leave a single word out. And BOY OH BOY I couldn’t believe it! He listened to it word for word, and he actually seemed genuinely listen to what I had to say. But then the crazy part, at the end of my roller coaster life when I told him that was it, he said “I know.” I asked, how do you know? Can you read people’s minds too? And then he said YES! I thought that was just about the coolest thing ever! I mean I actually said to myself “dude! You’re talking to an actual superhero!” then since I had spilled the beans about my life, I asked him about his. He pointed to the book and told me it was all right there. I thought to myself he must have been pretty brave to be able to write down everything in a book and then just give it to a stranger!
Okay well jumping ahead a year or so, I have to say his life story book was huge! Like I just finished it! I couldn’t really believe it when I was done. #1 because he faced so many similar situations like I am facing except even worse. #2 because he supposedly died… and then came back to life? Yeah… that’s real believable. But then he showed me his hands and feet that had holes going straight through and I consider that it could be possible. It just takes a little more imagination. Well, this guy has been my friend for about a year now, and I am actually so surprised! He hasn’t let me down once, and he always has my back. He’s there when I’m afraid, and when I’m lonely. He hasn’t hurt me in anyway, he loves me unconditionally and he tells me his many adventurous stories! According to him, he hasn’t even told me a portion of them yet! I still always worry that this will all come to an end at one point, but well, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts. He has helped me to see that not forgiving people is only hurting me which is why I am currently taking steps towards doing it. I don’t have any other friends, but at the moment that’s okay. I feel like when I am with him, nothing else matters. When he says something, I know he means it. Let’s face it. I could go on and on about this guy for days, probably more like years. Each day he teaches me something new, and by watching him live, makes me want to be exactly like him. By the way, everything he does he makes seem so easy, well it’s not. I have already gone through three notebooks with things I strive to do to be more like him. I constantly struggle with so many things daily, and constantly am constantly fighting the army of evil, but I know I have a superhero on my side and well because we are in it together I know we won’t lose. I guess you could call me his sidekick in training. One day I’ll have my full powers unlocked though just wait and see! So I guess I should probably tell you all now this wonderful man’s name now. His name is Jesus Christ. My best friend.